Spring

Today has been an Alli day.  When I came downstairs this morning this was the first thing I noticed…

Likely it is a moth and not a butterfly, but to me it felt like she was peeking in on us.  Then, a little while ago I saw a cardinal outside our window.  Some believe that cardinals are our deceased loved ones paying us a visit.  I have never noticed them outside our home before, but now I notice them from time to time in our backyard, right outside the kitchen window where I sit to have breakfast with Joshua in the morning.  I find my thoughts lingering on her more than usual today.

Occasionally before I write my blog posts I go back to the same time period in the previous year to see what I was writing about at that time.  At this time last year, we were awaiting the arrival of my grandmother to celebrate Easter with us and looking forward to nicer weather.  Ironically, as I was gathering my thoughts to write today, I was thinking about how much I enjoyed the nicer weather yesterday.

Yesterday after school Joshua, Samantha, and I walked to the park near our home.  It was the first time we had walked to the park, as opposed to drive, since we have lived in this house.  Embarrassingly enough, the park is less than a mile from our house.  Anyway, we had a leisurely walk to the park and then enjoyed some time on the swings, playscape, and a small snack.  On the way, Samantha commented about how nice it was to be able to walk to the park together.  I think my heart literally leapt in my chest.  There was no rush to any part of the outing.  It was so nice and relaxed and I felt like I was able to enjoy this time in such a different way than I might have in the past.  I think her comment validates her own sense of relief that our lives have calmed down over the past few months.  I'm happy that she enjoys spending time together.  Below are some pictures…

Last night Jason and I went out to watch the Dayton Flyers basketball game.  We had intentions of staying to watch the Gator game, but it had gotten so late we decided to watch his game from home.  It was nice to be able to spend time together on a whim.  A couple of years ago I had been more actively involved in my alumni association.  It was nice to be able to join them last night to watch the game.  These seemingly simple events garner such strong emotions.  Even as I sat there I could feel the tears coming.  There are very few things in life that I am exuberantly passionate about, but the University of Dayton is one of them.  I could write an entire blog just on my experience there.  I loved it so much.  Anyway, it was wonderful to be able to participate once again.  I hadn't realized how much I missed being there.

We are now a house divided!  Hopefully we'll both still be smiling after Saturday's game!

Tonight I look forward to taking the kids to the fish fry.  It has become a lenten tradition for me and Samantha (and now Josh).  This Lent has been unlike any other.  I have made a real effort this year to focus on unnecessary eating - for many reasons, the least of which is actually my health.  I had and still have a nervous habit of eating.  So, I wanted to try to focus on breaking that habit, which half way through has gone pretty well.  I have stopped eating after dinner, cut back on wine during the week, fast one day each week, and have started to decrease my portion size and stick to only one plate of food.  It is mentally exhausting (unfortunately) trying to break the cycle of nervous eating, but I have made drastic improvement.  It hasn't been a hard and fast (no pun intended) giving up of one thing.  It has been an effort to change my thinking where food is concerned to try to make it more simple and functional.  I have also been following the daily reflections sent out by Fr. Robert Barron.  Many of them have been right on point for me and have been a great source of reflection over the past few weeks.  If you happen to be looking for a jump start during Lent, I highly recommend them.  They are short, sweet, and to the point.  

http://www.wordonfire.org/WoF-Blog/WoF-Blog/February-2014/Free-Daily-Lent-Reflections-from-Fr-Robert-Barron.aspx

Vacation

We took our first family vacation last week.  We left on March 8, Josh's birthday, and made a quick stop in Orlando.  My parents saved passes they received from Disney when we were kids and we used them to give Samantha a trip to the Magic Kingdom, on our way to Miami.  She loves the traditional Disney characters and we knew that was a phase that would not last long.  She has begged to go to "The Clubhouse" for months.  Given all that she endured over the past year we felt that we wanted to be able to take her to meet her Clubhouse "friends" in person.  Below are some photos of her first meetings…

We started the day with a character breakfast at the Contemporary Resort.  She was a little apprehensive at first.  But, Jason gave her some confidence, and when Minnie finally came over she was ready to give her a big hug!

We spent most of our time at the Magic Kingdom in Fantasyland.  Unbeknownst to me, Toon Town no longer exists.  I was slightly disappointed.  But, Samantha had a great time.  I was impressed with her somewhat fearless attitude regarding the rides.  She rode her first roller coaster, The Barnstormer, with Jason, me, and Grandpa Jay.  We took a spin on the teacups.  She rode on Dumbo and the carousel.  And, of course, we made a stop through It's a Small World.  What trip to Disney is complete without that?  Her one disappointment was not being able to meet Daisy Duck.  Luckily, before we left, I happened to notice an exhibit with Daisy and Minnie, and Samantha officially accomplished everything.  When you ask her, she will tell you her favorite part of the day was meeting Daisy and Minnie.

The next day we left Orlando for Miami.  We got everything settled in at Jason's parents and had a relaxing evening.  The next day, Samantha enjoyed an afternoon date with Linda and Jay, while Jason and I took Joshua up to meet Fr. Flanagan (the priest who married us) at Sawgrass Mills.  It was wonderful to see him.  We enjoyed having lunch and walking through the outlets.  In addition to our wedding, Fr. Flanagan baptized Samantha and also performed the first half of Alli's baptism.  So, it was a nice opportunity to connect with him about what had transpired since we last saw him and have him meet Joshua.

On Wednesday, Jason, Linda, and I took Samantha and Joshua to the zoo.  I think the highlights for Samantha were the camel ride and the sprinkler park…oh yes, and the ice cream ;) .  See photos below...

On Thursday we visited Linda at her school and met some of her teachers.  Samantha played on the playground with some children in the pre-K class.  Funny story about this visit.  For some reason every time we introduced Samantha to someone at Linda's school she would say hello and then curtsy in front of them.  It was hilarious!  After our visit at school we spent the afternoon at the Seaquarium with Grandpa Jay and saw the Dolphin shows.  That night we had a mini birthday party for Joshua with a couple of Linda's friends and then started the process of getting packed up to come home.

We left Miami on Friday and returned home late that evening.  It was a long drive, but we were happy to be back in our beds and thankful to have some time to get the kids back in to their routine before the school and work week started on Monday.

There were a few firsts for Joshua while we were gone.  He started pulling to stand.  He enjoyed his first bites of steak and ribs.  His second tooth is coming in.  He is getting so big!

Overall, it was a wonderful trip!  I'm so thankful we were able to take the time to get away and look forward to many future family vacations.

Happy Birthday, Joshua!

The long awaited happy birthday post…

We were traveling on Joshua's first birthday this year, therefore we had our official first birthday party celebration on March 1st.  My mom was in town for the week to help us celebrate.  She has been a part of each child's first birthday celebration.  Samantha and Alli both had parties in Detroit to celebrate their first birthday.  Since we are planning a trip to Detroit this summer, we were not able to make the trip this year to celebrate Josh's.

The party theme was Dr. Seuss.  Lucky for me Dr. Seuss day was March 2, therefore there was Dr. Seuss themed stuff everywhere!  I had hoped to make the big birthday cake, but this is what happened on my first attempt…caketastrophe!

Below is the result of my third attempt, which I was able to fashion in to a smash cake.

This is what we served everyone else for dessert.  FYI - Whole Foods makes fantastic desserts if you ever find yourself in a caketastrophe!

The decorations…

The birthday boy…(many thanks to my friend, Gabriela, for taking the photos below)

Suffice it to say, he had a wonderful birthday celebration, surrounded by many of our close friends, and of course, nanny.  I prepared the slideshow below with pictures of his first year.  It was a bittersweet project for me, as I reviewed the many bittersweet moments over the past year.  So many wonderful memories of him, mixed in with so many sad memories of Alli.

On Joshua's actual birthday we drove from Atlanta to Orlando for our first family mini Disney vacation.    More on the mini vacation in my next post.

So many thoughts on my little man's first year.  He came in to our lives at a time of great turmoil and he rolled with the punches from day one.  He has been at my side, pretty constantly, this first year.  He has brought us great joy amidst great suffering and sadness.  He is quite the charmer with a constant smile and his bright blue eyes.  He has been the perfect addition to our family and I look forward to what the future holds for him!

Four Months

Today marks 4 months since Alli passed away.  It dawned on me as I was driving Snickers to the vet this morning.  As I was driving the exact same route that we drove for months on end, the tears came out of nowhere.  The vet is about 1.5 miles from Egleston.  Not all days are like today.  There are plenty of good days and things to look forward to (like our upcoming vacation!).  Today just happened to be a little more challenging.

Now that Alli's permanent headstone is in place, I have been putting together bouquets each month to keep in the vase.  Below is the bouquet I made for February and the bouquet for March.  I made a quick visit this afternoon to place her March bouquet.  I enjoy putting the flowers together.  It makes me feel like I am still doing something for her, even though she isn't here and it gives me an excuse to visit the cemetery at least once a month.

I attended my second session at the grief support group.  They only meet once a month.  It felt like an eternity between meetings.  Though everyone's child's story is different, there are common threads in how the passing away of that child impacts the parents.  It is nice to be among other people who understand how I feel.  It seems like everyone has a 'thing.'  Something that sets them off, either makes them sad or angry, regarding the death of their child.  For me it is people's reference to Joshua as the 'second child.'  It usually comes up in the context of parenting discussions about his sleep, or feeding, or behavior, or who knows what, but inevitably, especially recently, people will say, "well…with the second child…"  It is like nails on a chalkboard for me.  I know people mean well.  It doesn't make me think differently about the person.  It just makes me sad.  It makes me feel like people have already started to forget about Alli.  Joshua isn't my second child.  Even though he will grow up from this point on like the second child, he is the third.

Speaking of Joshua - he is going to be 1on Saturday!  Unbelievable!  He will have his own 1st birthday post.  I don't want to taint it with sadness about Alli :)  Below is a picture of one of his early birthday gifts…  He loves it…well, more than his other early birthday gift…his second lower tooth.

Samantha is doing great.  The time together has been great for both of us.  She recently started attending school for the full day.  She is an "afternooner."  Tomorrow I am invited, with the other mothers in the class, to Mother's Tea.  It is an opportunity for the children to practice grace and courtesy.  I am looking forward to it!  Also, since my last post, she decided she wanted short hair.  Below is a pic with her new 'do.  She loves it!

Ok, I will update soon for Josh's 1st birthday.