Let it Snow!

Today was a special day in the Hakerem house.  Samantha's first official snow day!  For my northern family and friends, I realize this is no big deal.  However, in the south, the snow days are few and far between.  I would say that Samantha enjoyed every minute of it.  She built snowmen, made snow angels, and went sledding on a cookie sheet in our driveway.

She and Joshua also enjoyed watching Toy Story for the first time.  I found them like this when I came in to the living room…

For the record…the day before the great 'snopocalypse' looked like this…

Both Samantha and Joshua are doing well.  Samantha will start attending school for the full day next week.  Her day will start at 8:15 and end at 2:45.  I am excited for her and the work she will do with Ms. Cara.  I am sad that she won't be home with me in the afternoons.  In my head is the idyllic version of what happens here in the afternoons - pleasant lunch together, fun activities, lots of quality mommy and Samantha time.  What actually happens looks nothing like that most days.  So, I will waive the white flag and acknowledge that she is probably better off at school.

Joshua is starting to sign for more and is pulling to stand.  His favorite support is the opened door of the dishwasher, but he also enjoys his mini kitchen and play table.  He is speedy gonzalez around the house.  He adores his sister and I often find them trying to make each other laugh, especially at the dinner table.

We received the call shortly after New Year that Alli's headstone had been placed.  It was a generous gift from our grandmothers.  We are pleased with how it looks.  I made my first bouquet for the vase yesterday.  We will probably go this weekend to place it.

I had my first dream about Alli a couple of days ago.  It was in the morning right before I woke up.  I don't remember most of it, but I know I saw her.  She was sitting on the grass at her cemetery plot.  Sun was shining.  She looked great.  I attended a grief support group last Wednesday.  They meet the fourth Wednesday of the month.  I mostly listened.  The majority of the people in the group lost adult children.  I was the only one who had lost a young child.  Everyone was very supportive.  They say you should go 3 times before deciding whether or not the group is a good fit, so I will go a couple more times and see what happens.

New Year, New Beginnings?

Yesterday marked 2 months since Alli passed away.  In some ways it is just unbelievable to me that we had this little girl and all of these challenges and within the blink of an eye one day that little girl and all of the challenges she faced were gone.  I struggle with her legacy and my memories of her life, especially the last 11 months of it.  For a while I was almost angered by any suggestion to hold on to my good memories of Alli.  What good memories?  I spent the last 2 years of her life diagnosing various forms of seizures, keeping track of countless medications, refilling feeding bags, sleeping on hospital couches, making friends with doctors, nurses, and therapists, what seemed like a never ending cycle of hoping things would get better…and they just never did.

I am so grateful for our trip to Raleigh this past weekend.  It was a well intentioned opportunity to visit with Jason's brother and his family.  I looked forward to making the trip and spending time with them.  I knew Samantha would enjoy the time and attention from her cousins.  There was no reason not to go. I wasn't prepared for the flood of memories that would come upon our arrival.  Raleigh was the last place we took Alli before she got sick last winter.  We spent Thanksgiving with Jenn, Michael, the boys, and Jenn's parents.  It was a great trip.  I remember talking with them about taking Alli to Memphis and the great promise that would come from working with Dr. Wheless.  Alli was making strides developmentally.  There was so much hope for what her future held.  She stayed in the guest room with Jason and me.  She was tucked in a pack and play and we had her oxygen concentrator and feeding pump in there with us.  When I looked at the room this time it was hard to believe everything fit.  And so I found myself sad, but grateful, for this was a happy memory we shared with Alli.  I'm also grateful for the pictures we took while we were there.  When I look at the family photo from that visit, it is a reminder of that happy memory.  I know there will be others.

It is difficult to realize how mentally preoccupied I was.  I thought I had everything together, was relaxed, and all was well.  Now, as the dust settles, I realize how on edge and distracted I really was.  The time we spent relaxing at night was peppered with trips up and down to give medications, refill feedings, silence the oxygen monitor.  The same with my time with Samantha.  We could sit and read a book or play, but only until it was time to give another medicine, etc.  There is a small sense of relief in being able to relax at the end of the day and to have some uninterrupted time with Samantha, Josh, and Jason.

There is also relief in rediscovering joy and laughter.  Seems odd, right?  This past Christmas there was great joy in being with my siblings and niece.  Unencumbered.  My brother and sister are ridiculous.  Anyone who has ever met them knows that.  It was great to laugh with them (and at them).  It had been a long time since I felt like I could truly appreciate the lighter side of things.  I would shrug off phone calls with "funny stories."  It was hard to find the humor in things while we had so much going on with Alli.  I would go places and participate in events, but my mind and heart was always elsewhere.  I feel like I am more "in the moment" now and able to appreciate the people around me and the things going on in their lives.

Ok, I hope you all are doing well.  I have made some New Year's resolutions.  I already need a 'do over' on some of them…yikes!  It is only the 8th!  Happy new year!