What a difference 1 year makes...

A sense of nostalgia seems to run in my family.  While I certainly enjoy the present and look forward to the future, I find that I am often referring back to what I was doing the previous year.  When I think back to the holidays last year I remember how excited we were to travel to Raleigh to celebrate Thanksgiving with Jason's brother and sister in law and their family.  I remember the sense of accomplishment and hope after our long awaited trip to LeBonheur and our meeting with Dr. Wheless regarding Alli's seizures.  Then I remember that Christmas was the beginning of the end.  I had significant concerns during that hospitalization about the fact that her level of care was escalating between hospital visits.  She was requiring greater and more invasive forms of oxygen support and seemingly without explanation - outside of illness.  Even then we had a difficult time weaning her off of the oxygen.  While I miss Alli, my greatest struggle is reliving her suffering.  I know she is in a better place.  I find myself going back and revisiting hospitalizations, specialist visits, decisions we made.  Images of her that at one time brought me great hope for healing and a brighter future haunt and disturb me.  At the time intubating her and subjecting her to invasive respiratory treatments seemed necessary, if only we could get her well enough to recover and move past it.  Looking back on it now, I can't believe we ever subjected her to that…not just once…multiple times.  I would give anything to hold her again - not if it meant she would be here and in pain - but just to hold her the way she was before all the tubes and machines and medicines.

The holidays this year have been full of family, friends, and good food.  We hosted Jason's entire family for Thanksgiving.  His sister and her family from Boston, his brother and his family from Raleigh, and his parents.  15 people under 1 roof.  It was what you would expect…fun, stressful at times, chaotic.  It was family.  My niece, Alexa, is 8 days older than Samantha.  It was so nice to be able to spend some one on one time with her.  She sat in my lap and wanted to talk about Alli and look at her photo album and make a picture for her room.  It was a cathartic experience for both of us.  I think, sometimes, people are afraid to talk about Alli with us, but the innocence of children and their questions and quest for understanding put things on a whole different level.  You can't brush aside their questions, which are at times persistent.  But it is important to talk about Alli and I am so grateful that she sat in my lap that night and we spent that time together.  I will never forget it.  We also managed to get a full Hakerem family photo.  It is the first time that the whole family has been together, so we wanted to make sure to get a couple of good shots of everyone, especially the grandparents and grandchildren.

A few Thanksgiving Photos:

Samantha and Alexa with their favorite mom/aunt :)

Paul getting a break from the action at the swings.

Buddies...

The cousins...

Sweet girls...

 The boys...

Christmas has been so nice.  My parents are in from Detroit, my sister and her family are in from Chicago, my brother is here from California, and my grandmother is here.  It was so special to have everyone together, especially my grandmother.  After the gifts were opened this morning, she and I spent the late morning cooking her sauce and meatballs.  What a memorable experience.  I am trying to perfect her recipes so we can have that occasional taste of home and so that I can pass the recipe down to Samantha and Josh.  I have some yarn and knitting needles set aside for tomorrow.  We'll see what comes from that!  I found myself a little scroogish yesterday and today.  I was so caught up in the surprises for Samantha that I completely bit her head off a few times.  Yikes!  I think I lost sight of the holiday for a minute (or few).  Hopefully she isn't permanently scarred.  Jason and I are looking forward to spoiling her with the some afternoon outings in the coming days so we can have some two on one time with her without Josh in the mix.

A few Christmas Photos:

Uncle Paul is SO fun!

Samantha and Millie before Christmas Eve Mass

Samantha studying her new toys

 Josh getting ready to take a bite out of his new toy…still waiting on that first tooth!

 Josh <3 p="">

 Samantha showing Josh how it's done on Christmas morning!

 Samantha <3 p="">

 Josh staring down his new ride on puppy

 just checking...

In between the holidays we had some family outings. We took the kids to the botanical gardens one night to see the Christmas lights.  We also made the big trip downtown to see the Christmas parade.  We are making every effort to take advantage of our family time and experiment with some family traditions.  I took Samantha and Josh to South Carolina last weekend to see my goddaughter, Anne, in the Nutcracker.  I have wanted to go for the past 4 years, but haven't been able to travel up there for one reason or another, so this year, we made a point to get there.  It was a fun little day trip.  Below are a couple of photos from our family adventure:

Josh's first trip in the shopping cart at Publix…where shopping is a pleasure…unless you're toting a 4 year old and a 9 month old...

Samantha and her buddy Gabriela Elisa at the Botanical Gardens

 Family photo at the Botanical Gardens

 Family photo at the parade - no we did not go to Bulldogs for lunch after the parade ended

Samantha has been doing pretty well.  She still asks a lot of questions at times.  The big news is that she is starting to read!  It is amazing listening to her sound out words.  She is so excited about it and proud of herself.  She is also enjoying dressing herself and engaging in pretend play.  Sometimes she likes to assume alternate personalities when we're out and about...

Josh has also been doing well.  He is officially a crawling machine and is pulling himself to stand.  We made the move to lower his crib all the way down.  He is babbling up a storm and starting to feed himself pieces of soft food - so far we have experimented with banana and avocado.  Next up will be peas and diced carrots, once we have worked through the stock pile of purees in the freezer.

Posing for the camera

 Helping with the dishes